This magic water will...

"So Jack handed the stranger the money he was supposed to use to purchase food. The stranger, in return, handed Jack three magic beans...

I recognize this story from somewhere. Where have I heard the words magic beans? I recollect it was from every person who has ever visited the numerous hot springs located on this island. They all return acclaiming the magical and healing powers these special waters poses. I remaine leery of strangers peddling “magic beans”.   

 Two weeks ago my friend Jim came down to where my desk is located to talk “American” and reminisce about home. Hearing “blah blah” starts to disrupt one’s inner serenity after being subjected to it for prolonged periods. I can hardly imagine what Jim must endure on a regular basis at home. One can only withstand listening to the Blah Blah Language for limited intervals and then crazy notions begin to take shape in your mind. For example, I wonder what would happen if I just dropped to the floor and faked a seizure. Would they stop the mind numbing blah blah long enough to see if I needed medical attention. Probably not… I could yell FIRE! I have always wanted to do that back home, but it is not permitted. Even yelling fire would not slow the continuous droning noise of their blah blah. If the monotonous hum of blah blah in normal tones doesn’t drive you to the brink of insanity, one only has to wait for the natives to become excited regarding the topic being discussed and the drone of blah blah becomes high pitched shrieks. It is this that pointed me to a theory regarding the extinct Lemmings. Basically the non blah blah lemmings jumped off the cliff so they no longer were subjected to the grating sound of the other lemmings speaking blah blah. Just a theory, mind you, could  have happened you know...

Jim and I conversed for a bit and as he was leaving to return to his classroom he stated a few of us “foreigners” are going to the hot springs, not next weekend, but the next. Would you like to come with us? I inquired where the springs were located, how we were going to travel there, and all other pertinent information. Most I was fishing for information on the type of food they served at this “resort”. I know this seems like a trivial motivation for considering not attending, but you have to understand what types of substances are termed foods in this country. Seriously… Jim assured me there was food, items even I would determine as food, and it would be fun. I agreed to attend the hot springs with the merry band of foreigners and Jim, he has been deemed in some respects, a local due to the fact he married a beautiful Taiwanese woman and can speak a little Chinese.

On Saturday Alex and I headed toward the bus station where we were meeting the others to travel to the hot springs together. Seven teachers from diverse countries were waiting for Alex, Jim, and I to show. Finally, we were all together and we meandered in the direction the bus stop where the #790 would whisk us away to our hot springs retreat. The promise of relaxation, rejuvenation, and succulent food was the theme of every conversation. The most pleasant portion of waiting for the bus was listening to conversations containing accents which were blah blah free.

The 790 arrived, in Taiwan you never really know if the busses are on-time or late due to the fact the signs and schedules are written in blah blah, and we boarded the bus. A short, bumpy, yet interesting ride in the direction of the ocean and we were in a new city. When we stepped off the bus the sun was shining and a sweet smelling breeze greeted us. We continued our trek from the bus stop on foot and Jim assured us the hot springs were nearby. Dialogues fixated on the hardships of teaching in Taiwan and camaraderie provided distraction and before we realized it we arrived at the stairs leading to the unassuming entrance of the hot spring resort. We arrived in the lobby and began investigating our surroundings trying to locate the check in. We mistakenly confused the lady behind the large counter for the person who procured the money required for day use of the facilities. We quickly discovered the person in charge of taking payment was located behind the caged window area. Back home you see women behind bars in very few locations. Vegas has ladies behind bars and glass in their exchange chips for real money place. Freaky gentlemen's clubs in New Orleans have ladies dancing in cages. I guess some men can only get a date if she is caged before hand. The only other place  that would have "ladies" behind bars would be prison. I am still not sure what the resort would be so worried about they would take this type of precaution. The lady behind the bars gladly accepted our money and even gave us a discount due to the fact we had 10 people in our group. The day use cost 265$NT. This sum is equal to less than 10$ USD. The bus ride to the resort was 30$NT, which is 1$ USD, so far the day had cost 11$ USD. The diminutive price for use of this subtly beautiful resort included use of the hot spring pools, the shower and changing rooms, one towel, and one bottle of water. This was where the lady behind the large counter motioned to our group and handed everyone their one towel and bottle of water.

 The water fall, complete with realistic jungle located directly behind, empties driectly into the warmer pool. The picture is a little fuzzy due to the huge scary bug landing on my foot. He scared me and I jumped. I didn't realize the picture was affected by the dumb bug.

This is the hot pool. The source of the hot spring is located not even a foot away from where it empties.

 This is the warm pool. This is the largest pool in size and has several sources of water which keep it pleasant and tepid. However, this pool is cold once you have been sitting in the hot pool for any amount of time.

Water from the source being funneled through a long pipe to ensure it cools off before it is allowed to mix with the water in the cooler pool. The water flowing out of the pipe can be compared to a shower.

This water flowing into the cold pool is piped a great distance. It is amazing how distance and plastic pipe can cool the water so much the pool is actually cold. Hard to believe this pool is usually unoccupied huh? 

The balcony over looks the cold pool and it's drangon head water outlets. These dragon heads are hand carved and made from the porous abrasive stones found at the hot spring source. The balcony looks out to the ocean, but we didn't get to see the view. The upstairs is reserved for the bathers who prefer to go a'natural. No saggy old blah blah men for this foreigner! Saggy speedo wearing men were enough...

Cold pool and view of the mountains.

The patio furniture pushed right up against the jungle. I was wondering what would happen if the jungle animals decided to rise up and protest? Scary thought when you consider the size of spiders they have in Taiwan alone. Remember Ivan?

Once properly dressed we parted the curtains separating the changing room from the pools and stepped out into what can only be described as a mankind taking advantage of nature. The concrete created a division between nature and luxury. On one side of the division was a breath taking jungle complete with butterflies and enormous leafed plants. On the other side was concrete walk ways and patio furniture. The two halves stood in stark contrast and I began to doubt the accounts of the magical properties of the hot springs. We located a table and dropped our one towel and bottle of water. There were four pools of water. One was located a little distance from the other three and we learned this was the “cold” pool. The other three pools were varying temperatures of “hot” pools. The largest of the three was warm like a pool in the middle of summer. The bottoms of the hot pools were carved from the naturally occurring stone from the hot springs. The second and smaller pool was warm like a hot bubble bath. The third and smallest pool was actually hot. The temperature of the water reminded me of a hot tub, hot but not unbearable. The water flowing into this pool was being filtered through various stones and was directly from the source of the hot spring. Our group settled into the warm and relaxing embrace of the third pool. The water had a coppery smell, but felt amazing. After three hours of soaking in this magic water we were pruney and hungry. We decided food sounded like a fantastic suggestion, the resort food was not to the standards which had been previously guaranteed. We left in search of decent food and to explore the city just to the right of the hot springs. The encounters we had on our adventure are coming soon in my next post.

 

Jing-Xi’s Lesson of the Day: Every person who is in control of their lucidity recognizes Urban Legends are just that, legends. These carefully and skillfully crafted stories are used for many purposes by people from every corner of the globe. The purposes for these tales range from encouraging children to eat their vegetables to keeping children from wandering into danger. However, sometimes these yarns are simply designed to entertain with their unbelievable, yet totally accurate elements. I believe Big Foot and visitors from other planets can be funneled into this category. However, some legends do hold a shred of veracity. The hot springs may not have possessed magical powers, but disbelief in their powers does not validate dismissing the whole legend as myth.

Double 10s! Winner! Pay the front line…

Sounds like a phrase you would here The Stick Man bellow after the die had been rolled and it didn’t “crap” out. This is what I thought when I heard the term for the National Holiday being celebrated. The Taiwanese people call this day Double Ten Day. The morning was greeted by a firework display and the pounding of large drums. To this point I have not been able to get a picture of the fireworks or huge drums. I believe they both are products housed in the temple directly to right of the school. I am allowed to go into the common area and look around, but this is as far as I am allowed to venture. I have no intention of converting to Buddhism and do not believe I could pull off the “Mormon Trick” from our college days. (Remember the Trick Gina?) Furthermore, the trick never really functioned the way it was intended.  We never made it past the gardens and guard station. We attempted to gain entrance to the temple numerous times and went as far as trying to convince the guard we simply left our Mormon ID cards back at school. He had a shrewd B.S. gauge and never granted us access to the inner temple. Why would one try so hard to gain access to a church, you ask? The Mormon “church”, and the term church is used informally, cloaks itself in a mystery wrapped up inside of an enigma. The simple act of concealment makes one wonder what they are trying to conceal. Then there are the whispered accounts of secret ceremonies laden with baby oil and debauchery floating around. The baby oil accounts solely were enough to spike my interest and fuel my yearning to demystify and/or prove the rumors, one way or another. The temples in Taiwan hold a similar, but severe, charm. I would never dare attempt the ID card bit while in the temples of this country. Culture is a complex affair. One always has a sense of uncertainty regarding what is considered offensive to people belonging to this culture. It is far better to err on the side of caution than to appear as the common visage of an “ignorant and boorish American”. That being said, the temples and what lurks deep inside their confines remain unknown, with diminutive optimism of unfurling said mysteries any time in the future. However, one can hear the drums and see the fireworks emanating from the temple. This sight and sound causes me to pause and imagine what their appearance would be like up close. One would have to convert to Buddhism to gain access to these sights, sadly. Apologies for the long diversion from the purpose of this post, Double Ten Day.

Double Ten Day is celebrated in Taiwan every October 10^th, ere-go the title Double Ten Day. The people of Taiwan celebrate this day because it is the anniversary of the Wuchang Uprising. This revolt led Wuchang, which is a province in China, to declare independence from the ruling influence of its central government, circa 1911. The Wuchang Uprising led to a full blown revolt, called the Xinhai Revolution, led by Dr. Sun Yat-sen. The revolution ended imperial rule in China by overthrowing China’s last emperor, Puyi. The citizens were angry over government corruption, I had never heard of governments being corrupt before now, and foreign countries trying to take over land in China. The overthrowing of the Qing Dynasty, which was the Puyi corrupt ruler guy’s Dynasty, ended more than 2,000 years of dynastic rule in China. It also ushered in what was known as the Republican Era. I am certain that the word republican here has separate meanings and does not compare to the United States’ description of the term. I cannot imagine a republican of Taiwan compelling money from “big tobacco” for “special considerations” and making advances on any entity displaying a pulse. I would imagine a totally different type of Taiwanese Republican and probably end up being correct. The Xinhai Revolution led to the establishment of the Republic of China (ROC). This is the reason when sending care packages to the, starving for anything from home,  foreign teacher ROC needs to inscribed at the end of the school’s address here in Taiwan. Please note the subtle hint regarding care packages. All forms of care packages will be accepted. However, please refrain from sending items the foreign teacher doesn’t consider to be acceptable care package material. Such items include, but are not limited to: Spam (any variety), pickled pigs feet (for obvious reasons), anything prepared from processed meat parts, and so on. Thank you for your attention. J The Xinhai Revolution is remembered and celebrated as Double Ten Day (雙十節) in Taiwan. Double Ten Day is referred to as the Anniversary for the Wuchang Uprising in China and Hong Kong. I was finally brought up to speed, somewhat, by the same Science Teacher who “helped” with my Ivan problem. He told me Double Ten Day is much like our own 4^th of July, he said no more and no less. However, the first person I enquired about Double Ten Day was unable to answer my questions. I unequivocally believed she would be able to divine a solution or response to any inquiry relating to Taiwan, the country God Himself reposed in on the Seventh Day. But she sheepishly admitted she couldn’t recall why they celebrated the holiday, but was grateful for the day off. I decided Google was the way to go here. I discovered Double Ten Day is one of the few days the government of Taiwan allows their citizens to have a day free of work. On this special day the Taiwan Flag is raised at all local head government offices, i.e.: not the Post Office and National Health Insurance Office, and the National Anthem of Taiwan is sung. If the National Anthem of Taiwan sounds anything like the Happy Birthday Song, it has no less than five verses and is sung at full vocal volume. Oh and I can’t forget to mention the clapping accompanying the birthday song. Lots and lots of clapping, loud clapping, ear deafening clapping. I equate the birthday song in Taiwan in the following manner. The birthday song is the love child of Rudolf the Red Nosed Reindeer and The Wheels on The Bus songs. This would be the songlet, song baby for those wondering, these two vile disdainful songs would spawn. However, to gain full understanding of the instrumental clapping addition to the song, the song The YMCA would have to be the songlet’s grandfather. Now visualize Haaapppeeea Birrssdaya teua yoeua! I would forgo the “And Many More”, if it meant the Happy Birthday song would be retired to sunny Florida, where all the other tired Holiday Ramblers go when they reach their Golden, with a hint of rust, Years.      

My first Double Ten Day passed with sounds of fireworks and drums; immediately followed by the grading of 150 grammar books. Do you believe just because school wasn’t in session and it was a National Holiday the administration would put an injunction on work. Yea, and pigs might fly out of my posterior nether regions! Oh and Sandy Claws is the feline version of Santa Clause. Seriously, I read all about it on Facebook. It was the link right below Michael Jackson Lives and is resides in a trailer park somewhere in Arkansas and right above the link about the love child him and Britney Spears are expecting. Anyone want the address? Correcting and grading the grammar books was a necessity, because the next day of school was a half day. This meant only half the time to read and sign over 50 communication books. The day off had matured into a cruel jest meant to torture us with the farce of a day of rest. Happy Double Ten Day! J And God Bless America! Ooops not our Independence Day, sorry… ;)  

Only the Faces Change...

 I believe this statement can be found in song lyrics or something of that variety. However, a truer statement cannot describe my experiences in the Taiwanese classroom, to this point. I have discovered a hidden truism masquerading as a theory perpetuated by ignorant people. It has been said the culture in which one is raised is what separates the peoples of the world. This theory does not hold even a granule of truth and it is a curiosity no one has made attempt to correct the error. Culture does govern how one behaves and what one holds as ethical standards. However, one must consider the possibility children are not directed by culture until they mature almost to adulthood. When one contemplates the magnitude of this statement one is left with the realism, only the faces change.

Shelly(first in pic) Vivi(directly behind), and Vivian behind Vivi.

As I look out into my classroom full of little round faces I am struck with astonishment. The children here are almost carbon copies of the children back in The States, almost. The girls giggle and prattle on in Blah Blah about what I assume is the cute boy sitting in row two. Even though I do not understand or speak the Blah Blah language, yet, effortlessly one is able to read between the lines. The boys punch and tussle with one another struggling to prove their selves as an alpha male. They boast about their latest gadget their parents bought for them and secretly check out the cute girl in row two. Does anyone else notice the similarities to American children, or is it just me? I am certain I am not the only one to notice, but then again I am accustomed to being the only one having some type of peculiar thought or theory. It is tolerable if no one else perceives the similarities. However, if this concept did manage to glide right on by you, I will make sure it circles around for another pass. Please be certain to make sure your thinking cap is securely fastened, your absorption goggles are in place, your tray tables are up, and your chair is in the upright and locked position. Once the above is completed say “Yes Teacher” and I will know you are ready for the concept to make another trek towards you. See? Learning can be fun, but only with enough headache medicine, an amazing sense of humor, and a high threshold for stupid questions that were just answered. But other than those items, learning is a blast! WoooHoooo

There are three special girls who come down to my “office” every day and drop off the 150+ books for my immediate correction and perusal. These girls are very cute and kind hearted. Their English names are Shelly, Vivian, and Vivi. The English versions will have to due for now as I am unable to pronounce their Blah Blah names, yet. These girls have made it their mission to teach Teacher Cyndi to speak and understand Blah Blah. I ruminate they still believe it is going to be an easy task and I will pick it up quickly and effortlessly. Silly rabbit, Trixs are for kids... They even created a worksheet with the English word and the Blah Blah word right next to each other. I am quizzed every day covering the contents of the worksheet. Every day, I fail spectacularly, with grace and poise. No, not that kind of poise. I was referring to the poise that means dignity, but some days when I have no time even to grab a bite to eat, Poise begin to look very appealing… Not to mention the added bonus of not having to stand and aim, all while praying you miss your shoes. Can I get an AMEN here?? Amen!!

The incredible gift is the girls do not seem to mind my failing their exam every day. In fact they come back at the same time, every day, happy to see me, bearing gifts of gum, and hugging me. I am painfully aware of the fact; I would not last one day as a Chinese daughter. I would score below a 90 on some important exam and be forever shunned. I would be sent to the school for the dumb special kids and end up driving a taxi cab complete with fat Buddha figurine hanging from the rearview mirror. You have to conjecture at this point if the Heroin Sex Trade wouldn't be a better option here? I have already shamed my fictitious Chinese parents with my low score and they aren’t talking to me. Even the family dog, Li Chee, is not speaking to me and I was good to that flea bitten mongrel. With that being said, the whore trade does offer more money and better benefits. Makes sense in the reality where I am a Chinese daughter anyway. J

Back to a few of my favorite girls, yes there are others, but I will save them for another post. The girls usually come bursting through the double doors around 9:30, Shelly leading the band of miniature school teachers and the two Vivs, as I call them, following closely behind. The first thing out of Shelly’s mouth is the word sticker. “Sticcckerrra, sticcckerrra, Teeeechera, sticcckerrrra”, she says over and over. Sadly, it took me a few weeks to actually determine what she was demanding. I have stickers in my desk drawer and she loves them. Every day, she says sticker and opens my drawer, retrieves the sheet, and carefully chooses stickers for all of us. Most days I am honored with the apple sticker. Once the sticker selection process is complete and she has bestowed our stickers on to our persons, Shelly states simply, “Applea Teachera, Applea Studenta”.

The “A” sound at the end of every word threw me and I am ashamed of how long it took me to puzzle out she was merely describing our stickers. Most of the students’ end their English words with an A sound. It was only this last week I figured out the reason for this odd practice. The Chinese language, aka Blah Blah in my blog, is compiled of complex sounds and tones, however most words do not have a final syllable sound. The A sound on the end of the English words is the student’s way of ensuring they make a final syllable sound when they speak English. They do not discriminate when it comes to the A sound and every word has it added to the end. Those words include: yesa, noa (not the guy who built the Ark), pleasea, and the list goes on.

Finally and with difficulity, I grasped the notion; Shelly was trying to tell me that we are the same. We have the same sticker and we are the same, simple and final. That in and of itself is an interesting notion… We are the same? Yes… We are the same. I am no longer tethered to the notion of it mattering, in the slightest, in which culture you matured to adulthood. People are people and more importantly, children are children, no matter where you go and teach. They giggle, wrestle, hug one another, smile, laugh, talk non-stop, play computer games, go shopping with friends, flirt, and strive to make the adults they care about proud of their accomplishments. These girls have altered my opinions regarding so many theories which have been imparted to me over the years. Even with the barricade the language issues raises, I know, with no doubt that these girls love me and desire only to make me happy and proud of their English work. I also know I love them and would see them protected, at all cost, from this ugly ugly world. Truly, only the faces change… 

 

Jing-Xi's Lesson of the Day: It has been said, Children are our future. The statement could not ring more true. Children are this global community’s future, a humbling and troubling thought. What kind of future will our children bring this world? I fervently believe they will bring the type of future they were taught to bring. This is exhibited the world over as this is being written. The future has changed hands over the years numerous times. Every time the future changes leaders, life has seemed to take a downward spiral which is plummeting towards the ground. It will not be long before the fatal impact echoes across the globe. One only has to recall terrible events in our homeland to see the effects of hate and intolerence of differences. When we teach our children to hate and fear differences, we teach a narrow minded and short sighted world view. Color, race, culture, and religion are of no importance where love and acceptance are concerned. Teaching children to hate others for shallow and inane reasons is like teaching a dog to fight. Pound half-truths and ridiculous theories into children’s heads, but when they discover the truth, and they will, they will turn on the ones responsible for telling them half-truths. In the picture to the left is Shelly, Vivi, Vivian, and Mia in the last desk. On the other side are Shane, Catherine, and Potter. If after seeing this picture you still have doubts regarding my musing above, I am uncertain about how to convince you of the truth found in the statement. Simply look at the children. Potter giving the camera a "gun show" and the others throwing up peace signs. Only the faces change...

 

Wonders Never Cease...

There are many wonders contained in one's own country of origin one holds scared and even views as "unique" to their area. This could be considered a truism and one would never need to leave the comfort of their own "backyard" to gaze upon amazing visages. Really? One doesn’t have to leave the fenced in area of their yard to see wonders any more amazing then they are able see from home? If this were truly the case the world would be filled with people speaking just one language, sitting in their chaise lounge chairs, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon beer, a hand down their drawers, and never dreaming of a life beyond or outside their fence. Don’t you remember, your country told you that this was all you would ever need or want? Come to the “Melting Pot it is “The Land of Freedom and Opportunity”, but not for everyone. Everything one could possibly hold in amazement is right where you are, no further. One has an illusion of safety as long as they remain in the confines of their yard. These artifices are powerful tethers and ensure any adventures are confined to the “Open Road” of their homeland. However, even Forest Gump dreamed of a life beyond his backyard. “Run Forest, run!!” Sorry I couldn’t resist. J Forest played table tennis in China, survived the jungles of Vietnam, met the President of the United States, and spoke at a peace demonstration. If Forest was able to accomplish those feats being who he was, isn’t it possible anyone could? Taking the above discussion into consideration, passing through customs for three separate countries was daunting and illuminating. One discovers what a country values most as one gains entry to their boarders. Taiwan values honesty and moral fortitude. This was evident as they search every item on my person and check luggage. In addition to the search and body scanning machine, there was a large warning written in perfect English and huge red letters. It said, “Any persons attempting to bring any illegal substances or drugs will be held in contempt and is punishable by death”. Yes death! The warning didn’t say capital punishment. It clearly stated death. I wish now I would have snapped a picture of the sign. The warning sign serves to lend an ominous feeling to the airport and luggage claim. Maybe America isn’t so corrupt? Maybe She still has offerings far above any other country on the Earth. After all people died for those offerings and they never had seemed so appealing. The adage, “You don’t know what you have until it’s gone”, is the ultimate truism. Taiwan has many many edicts and rules. No one questions anything or anyone. They just do what they always have done and no one stops to wonder or ask why. God bless America and the freedom only She affords.         

Don’t misinterpret my intent. I am not implying a life from a chaise lounge chair while drinking a Pabst Blue Ribbon beer should be enough for anyone. I elect one catches the adventure bug! Yes, the adventure bug is real and no he is not related to Ivan. They travel in very different circles of people. Harry, the adventure bug, would never go slumming and consent to being friends with a dirty roach eater. He is persnickety and only rubs feelers with the upper echelons. Go! See the wonders and spectacles. Find Waldo, he’s been missing for years!

In America these immense works of men include wonders such as Mount Rushmore, The Statue of Liberty, and the list marches on towards infinity. These marvels on their own and collectively are truly sights to behold. But what if, just what if, there were wonders equally amazing found in every corner of this wonderful world, created to behold in astonishment? Hate to be the one to let you in on the not so well kept secret, but incredible wonders can be found universally. As it has been said so skillfully in the past, “here’s your sign!” Is there anyone who needs to be told what is written on that sign? I seem to recall that the sign says, “No Pets Allowed” or maybe it said “Welcome to Oregon, now go back to California”.  

Almost every country on Earth feels an immense sense of honor when their citizens exhibit pride in their origins and mother land, as they should. Global citizens seem to mechanically and automatically regurgitate the names and locations of their national landmarks, curiosities, and history to anyone and everyone who will listen. This is a pleasing sentiment in and of itself, but is there nothing more? Nothing more than Ellis Island? Nothing more than leaving their motherland praying and dreaming of a better life, but those dreams dry up as “The American Dream” seems as if forever, just out of reach. There is more. One just has to be open to seeming uncomfortable experiences. Once you are able to move past the feelings of discomfort, new world unfolds before your eyes. A world of odd beauty, interesting history, and strange traditions… This post will be used to share pictures of the odd, strange, beautiful, and bizarre wonders which cross my path… Enjoy! (I will update this post with new pictures, so keep checking this post.)

 

The far sign is carved onto a rock and is repainted when the sun fades the directions...

This was the Blue Moon in August. The Moon festival followed only a few weeks later. That is when Moon Cakes are to be eaten and given as gifts. Moon Cakes are much like the Pineapple cakes. They are not cake and do not taste very good.

   

This is another picture of the Blue Moon. The clouds in the picture are a common occurrence here in Taiwan. The weather is very strange, one minute clear skies, clouds roll in, it pours gallon buckets of rain, and the clouds roll out. This occurs usually within a 20 minutes span.

This sight had me baffled for weeks. It is a huge portable tent type meeting area. This was not located on the street when I arrived in Keelung. It seemed to spring up over night. It wasn't until my agent, Wade, arrived to help me with business the purpose of the meeting area was revealed. This is a memorial meeting area. A citizen of Keelung passed away and this was erected for people to gather and mourn. The picture below is a different angle.

This is the Gold Man. He is located on our school grounds. I was walking around in the jungle and bam there was this gold man. I obviously cannot read the blah blah on the face of the statue, but I was told by a reliable source that this is Chairman Mao. This man's picture can be found in every classroom.

These plants grow wild directly behind our dorm. These plants are considered small compared to the ones located to the south of the school. The leaves on those plants are large enough to stand under and use as an umbrella. I never imagined plants described in the stories actually existed.

This is what we call a dieffenbachia. There many types of this plant and they all can be found growing wild in what would be considered my new backyard. Trust me, this is paradise for me. I love plants. This is a smaller plant and it's growing up a tree trunk. There is one of these plants down in the garden area of the school with leaves as big as a dinner plate.














This is what we call elephant ear. I never really understood why they would name the plant after something as large as an elephant. Until I saw the plant growing wild. The name is totally well deserved. Again, this is a small plant. I have seen ones as big as a palm tree growing in California.

Meet Ivan The Terrible!

Anyone who calls me friend and speaks with me on semi regular bases is aware of my issues catching any more than three hours of sleep a night since arriving in country. But my lack of sleep is not the point for relaying the above exposition. The point is when I sleep it is not deep and any little noise wakes me. Thursday night was one of the hardest nights to catch any shuteye. Finally, around 3am I gave in to what my body has been telling me for weeks now, “Hey dumb a**, you’re tired and if you don’t sleep I am going to shut down. Then where are we going to be?” Closed my eyes, tried to block out whatever has been keeping awake, broke down, and finally went to sleep. 

Something, something because I am not sure what it was, woke me. I looked at the clock and the time I read was 8:55. This made me relieved I actually managed to sleep more than four hours. However, I soon realized that I had to be down and at school in less than a half hour. Panic accomplished the completion of the waking process. I looked at the clock one more time. It read 6:55am. Exhaling I laid back down with the promise of falling back into dreamland.

 

My room is big enough to not feel like a prison, but not big enough to feel like an actual bedroom. The head of the bed faces two huge windows and the foot faces the door. I laid back down and caught a glimpse of a black dot above my door. I blinked a number of times trying to get my tired eyes to focus. It was then I aspirated a muffled HOLY S***, that cannot be what it looks like. I refused to believe God created something as immense as whatever was skulking near the door jam. Black spot! I began trying to explain away the fact that the spot seemed to be moving. Black spots are all over the dorm floors, walls, and etc… The false supplication was not working and it began to move farther than a damn black spot ever could. The same panic washed over me in Tsunami like waves. I hopped up for a closer look at this alien looking object. As I got as close as I dared, it moved fast and covered a huge distance. At this point the HOLY S*** became HOLY ***K, that is a spider. A huge black spider!! It had huge teeth, legs, and did I mention the teeth? TEETH. I did what any woman would have done upon finding themselves in a similar position. I retrieved my IPad from the desk and snapped a few dozen pictures of the monster. Once I was satisfied I had covered my model from every angle, I picked up my shoe. The spider was still too high to spray and have the spray do its job. As I threw my shoe at the monster I rattled off in my mind any scientific information I could recall on short notice, still being very tired. It quickly moved down towards me. All I could think was now why did you go and do that tard? Make the huge teethed monster move towards where you’re standing. That’s not shrewd; it jumps in excess of 100ft and eats people as a light snack before its main meal of water buffalo with a side of Bambi. Scientific recall at its best, I assure you. I decided I wasn’t taking any more chances and pulled down my handy can of “Blah blah Raid”. At least the lady who sold me the blah blah raid said it kills all bugs. The blah blah raid only works if you can actually hit the bug you want exterminated. I couldn’t. It moved too fast and in a split second it vanished behind my dresser. I soothed myself by mentally explaining it would find a way out my room and wasn’t poisonous, just f*gly. Being convinced I headed down the hall to wash the spider off my hands. When I got back it was back on the ceiling, but too high to hit or spray. I made a few loud noises and it took off again.

Ivan The Terrible

 When I got down to school I showed the picture to more than a few natives. Not one native knew what to call the beast in English, but all knew the blah blah name for the spider. Like that helped me. I mean really? Do you think knowing the name of the fiend planning to kill you in your sleep is going to help? Do you think it really wants an introduction? Hello, my name is huge, scary, big teeth villain, but you can call me Sam. Seriously? Sarcasm is lost on people here, so I just smiled and thanked them for their assistance, even though their information was as useless as tits on a boar. Finally, I found a science teacher. He informed me this was a “good” spider. Excuse me? Crazy blah blah science teacher says what? I thought I had misheard what he was telling me. He went on to explain these spiders are just ugly and not poisonous. He keeps one as a pet. Are you kidding me? What do you take it out for walks so it can eat poodles at the local dog park?They are timid creatures, he continued on,  and there has never been a reported case of these spiders ever biting a human. Yea, that’s because the spider killed the human and silenced the rest of the people who would report the little dear. The science teacher went on to tell me they eat roaches, which are only a little smaller than the spider by the way, and mosquitoes. Hmmmm  a mosquito eater? That could be a reason to let the psycho arachnid continue living in my room.

Once home I found him back on the ceiling. I looked at him with cynicism and gave him the following warning. I said, Ivan, you stay out of sight and you are free to eat all the bugs you find in my room, especially any roaches. If you do what is expected I will not spray blah blah raid and kill you, even if I need to stand on a chair to finish the task. He moved his ugly antenna looking things in agreement. He now lives somewhere in my room and I hope he is eating bugs. I named him Ivan the Terrible. He looks Russian and probably is working to ensure his wife, Iyvonna, and their spider babies do not go hungry. At any rate, every respectable spider needs to have a name. Ivan better not think just because I gave him a name and allowed him to live, means I like him and won’t kill him. Trust me, he creeps me out, and would kill him in a heartbeat for no reason other than looking like he could eat a water buffalo.

 

Jing-Xi’s Lesson of the Day: Never judge a book by its cover… I do not believe this statement applies to everything. On some occasions it is perfectly acceptable to judge a book by its cover. After all one can do this in regards to the classic, and the title classic is used lightly, piece of American Literature “Moby Dick”. Everyone knows by now the most exciting part of the story is found on the first page, first line. “Call me Ishmael.” From that phrase forward the book is not worth reading and bores one to the point of madness. One eventually even finds themselves hoping the white whale eats the entire ship. Judging a book by the cover might rectify many of the world’s more injudicious problems . For example: if it looks like it could bite, it probably does. If God had meant monkeys to be kept as pets He would have created a domestic version of the animal, as He did for the dog and cat. The above can also be applied to alligators and large snakes. If God wanted humans to be able to jump through bonfires drunk, He would have made our skin out of something fireproof and less burnable. A healthy fear of the unknown and the mysteries of life is essential for survival.     

HOLY ***T he is huge!